Reflections and Praises

I reflect today on the day of my birth;
at how many birthdays I have spent in tears and in uncertainty,
in the grip of fear and rejection and pain,
in the chains of my guilt and the past,
and in the deep sorrow of lesser accounts of love that could not be sustained,
that would always let me down and leave me wanting.

I marvel now in the understanding that with every passing year,
every epiphany discovered, every truth uncovered,
every hard learned lesson applied;
every gain through reflection was a step in the right direction
but on my own wasn't enough to lift the vail from my eyes.

I saw my life through my eyes without really seeing;
though my conscious was seeding, my heart was still bleeding.
I had gathered every one of my good intentions,
I formed them and shaped them into my own invention;
they became my reflection and shattered when I hit them
and now, my path, that seemed clear of obstruction
was littered with fragments of a life that was broken.

How many times did I cry out and fall to my knees;
how many reruns of pain did I play over and over again,
thinking it would cleanse me, save me, release me.
How long it took me, Oh Lord, to realize
that my pain doesn't forgive and sorrow doesn't entitle me.
And all that's been inflicted was never intended
to be stored up and used as self-righteous prescription
to justify my sin and worship my carnality.

But today I celebrate a new birth;
and revel in the knowledge and find strength in my conviction,
that through his salvation his love is my addiction,
that I'm more than the sum of just ashes and dirt,
I was created, on purpose, to dwell with Him on this earth.

If you think you know me, I challenge you to see me.
Because I'm not the same, I've been born again.
And just because in that I proclaim,
doesn't mean on my shoulders I bear the church's shame.
The man who has saved me isn't the same
as the religion that looked down at you or turned you away;
and if my words offend you, your guilt isn't mine to blame
only you can reconcile your life in shame.

My words aren't of condemnation, but of love;
it is out of my own personal satisfaction and deep gratification
that I cry out to you to listen,
the pain he rescued me from was real
and my life and my heart are transformed and healed.
And the cry I cry out to you in elation
is because I see your pain and know your humiliation
and if you seek him out you will become a new creation
and all the things that the devil tries to convince you
that you have to give up to follow Him
are really just the things you've been running from
all your life.

I want you to wake up and stop hiding from the truth;
stop making excuses and seeing Jesus as a bunch of rules,
all of the things you are chasing and running from are lies
planted into your psyche to confuse and disguise.
You were created to dwell with the living God,
and your guilt and your pain and your past and your entitlements
and all the things you think are coming due to you because
of all the pain you've endured,
is just the by-product of a lost world, the refuse of immorality and idolatry.

Why are you clinging to the things of this world?
There is stark evidence right in front of you of so much more.
Are you living in your own mind, existing in your hopes and dreams
because everything else is so unkind?
You are the living dead; living for scraps of pleasure from
the tables of demons to whom you give constant permission to control you.
Your pride in what you think you deserve is only fueling
the shroud of misery that lurks in the depths of your heart;
that no television show or movie or education or amount of money can ever remove.
You are a willing slave to the things you despise, and you don't even acknowledge it.

How do I know?

Because I WAS THERE!!
You can hide from my words and turn to your pride but beloved,
you can't hide from the living God. He sees you as you are;
he knows the depths of your heart and the longings of your soul
and he is the only answer to the cries of eternity screaming from your inner being.

This is my birthday and my birthday lament.
But the truth is, the only present I want is for those whom I know and love to know and experience first hand the freedom and the pure joy that comes from crying out to your savior to save you and forgive you and to seek him with all of your heart and your mind and your soul. The joy of God is not found in seeking him with 98% of yourself; his joy is found in that last 2%. He wants all of you. And you were made to want him above all else and if you don't know that truth in your life you will be miserable forever.

It's not hard for me to want to live out God's commandments in my life (it's not easy to do them but it's easy to WANT to do them, to set my heart on doing them), because I know what the other side looks like. I've spent 38 years seeking out the things that only he can provide for me on my own, I'm not spending one more year without the things I need in my heart to be content and joyful and satisfied. I am not some specially anointed person who has found something that's not available to the rest of you; the peace in my heart can be your peace, the freedom from guilt and the past can be your freedom; and the incalculable love that overflows in my heart and will never stop flowing is yours to claim if you want it. It's all about priorities.