Journey out of Darkness

I wrote this last year, inspired by a artist who used poetry and the spoken word to bring truth to others. This is part of my story and I thought it fitting to share it.


Intro
It is said that we are all planted
Born from the earth, we are hand-crafted
By our heavenly creator above

Our actions; seeds producing fruit
Every deed yielding forth, taking root
Producing bountiful harvests

This story begins – an epic journey
A search for truth, impassioned by yearning
The truth of the heart found long after painful learning
So many years spent wandering
A journey out of darkness



My heart is broken; a childhood spent in sadness
I’m left to wonder where you have gone
There is no game or friend or vice or food that can fill the empty void you have left behind
Your absence plants the seed of rejection
Which bears fruit to a life of self-loathing action
The lie has been planted and will bear fruit

A simple lie has manifested within me
“If my father can’t love me, then what must be wrong with me?”
For a child knows nothing of broken promises between man and woman; nothing of the torment of failed relationships – a child knows only the repercussion
The disaster that lay in waste at man and woman’s failure to stay mated

And so the world builds itself around the lie
With every breath taken, every word written, every praise sought out and every hope forsaken
The thought of love, as intangible as the morning mist in my hands; the feeling of security as far away as the most distant corners of the earth; the sense of belonging as foreign as any strange tongue
The search for perfection with the hope that with it carries the promise of love, but always comes up short

And despite the world around you the lie has taken control
No amount of praise or adornment from others can diminish it; no amount of achievement or success can fill it

If I am prettier he will love me
If I am smarter he will respect me
If I am kinder he will admire me
If I am sweeter he will adore me

But as we grow and fail to fill the hole
The lie begins to take shape into new ideas

If I am talented I will feel love
If I am popular
If I have more things or qualities that others say are important
If I do what others around me do I will be accepted; I will feel love

If I can give all my love unconditionally to others I will always get it back and maybe it will fill me

So the love and desire of a girl for her father becomes the search for love and desire in a man, a husband
For the time of childish things has past
Forced to grow up much too fast
Will I ever find a love that will last?

But the real tragedy has just begun
For the seed has bore fruit and begins to overrun
And our grown up choices harvest so quickly
Seeking out another to fulfill yourself is a long, winding road filled with many others seeking the same
And the populated path gives false testament that the lie we all believe is achievable, sustainable, accessible
But the lie’s misdirection is a sullen curse that leads to a wasteland of pain at its worst
And no amount of lust can give birth to true sustaining love that is ever-lasting

So I seek out affection from the first man to ever give me attention
Not understanding the gravity of the situation
How my misunderstanding would perpetuate a lack of gratification
I was blind to the intrinsic value of my heart
Driven only by the hunger of a heart that is starved
Love became the food that was so desperately craved
To this bottomless pit I had become a slave

But something was wrong
Everything seemed out of place
The more I gave the less of me was left to replace what had been never given a chance to satiate
I prayed for grace but not knowing which lie to replace
I stumbled half my life with the same mistake retraced over and over until darkness consumed me

As a child the Word of God was planted in me, but as a grown woman I doubted His love could set me free
Within my mind I couldn’t reconcile all the pain and loss, all the wrong that seemed to plague the innocent
So in reality I remained lost
I had goodness in my heart and my intentions were well
But we all know that paves the road to Hell
So I let my heart and my emotions dwell on the past, on mistakes and injustices inflicted upon me
My emptiness consumed me; everything circled back to my search for my father’s love for me
And to the lie that without it there was something wrong with me
So many years wasted, searching

So I self-perpetuated the shackles that would bind me
And the love that I thought would save me only blinded
And deep within my own psychosis I subconsciously sought out men who were incapable of loving me
As if I had not spent enough time putting that lie to the test
Inside, I just couldn’t believe that I was worthy of love
And that lie had its rein through the relationships I chose
And I had planted solid feet
In the belief
That I was unlovable

The rejection of my father manifested itself in my marriage
My husband’s lack of physical intimacy served to disparage and reinforce the misconception that I was the root of the problem,
that there really was something wrong with me
So I let my depression overcome me
I substituted food for love and fed my grief
I found refuge in daydreams and lingered in sleep
Knowing that every moment awake gave passage to the daemons I held at bay
I was obese and smoking two packs a day
Killing myself in the slowest possible way
I was utterly defeated in every way

I ignored my talents and put them away
I denied my children attention and praise
I was ashamed and had only the will to turn away
I had made another relationship mistake that I had no idea how to correct
I spent countless hours trying to reflect
but the answer to me was so elusive
I had lived so long with skewed perception
So I convinced myself because of rejection I had a right to pursue another man’s affection
The lies bore fruit to a consuming infection that ate me alive from the inside out, like a cancer
And despite all the thought, all the reflection, all the effort put forth to avoid rejection and to avoiding a mistake I had seen and detected in others
Only served as misdirection and kept me bonded in oppression

So with a marriage destroyed by lies, betrayal, envy and lust
I had lost faith in and contributed to the demise of love’s trust
Every mistake was not mine to bear but I played my equal part as well
And no amount of denial or excuse or lack of responsibility could excuse my sin
But the truth was still hidden as I began seek out physical pleasure to replace the void of love
I knew that I was damaged and needed time to heal
I knew that I was still searching
So I thought if I can put aside my heart’s desire
And shelve my inner burning desire
To love and be loved
If I seek out only physical connection
I can spare my heart from its spreading infection
Not seeing the irreparable direction this dangerous train of thought was carrying me toward
I had completely devalued myself in every way
What was supposed to be the answer became further shame
And my desperation and loneliness multiplied and became
Explosive to the point of driving me insane
With only myself to blame

But He knew what lay dormant in me
And not unlike so many other nights broke down in my misery
That night I cried out “God please help me, God please help me”
I don’t want to carry this burden anymore but I just don’t know how to put it down
It goes against every lie I have ever believed

And he started to work on me
He put a series of events in motion, providing my direction and exponential devotion
He sent me a lens to remove the distortion that fed light and hope back into my life
That helped me see what my value should be
And set me back on the path to believe
And then he worked on me some more
Bringing forth new believers to touch my soul
And as my heart gave in and opened up to His word
My eyes were opened, my prayers had been heard
And he delivered me from myself
From the bondage I had placed myself in so many years ago
He made every tear an inspiration
Every scar on my heart a revelation
And gave to me spiritual elation
To spread forth across nations
Testifying in exclamation
Of my revelation
That all the while
All through my suffering, my pain and my tears
All the questions and the longing I suffered though the years
All the sum of the essence of all my fears
That I had the answer
Within myself all the while
God answered me,
Ask me, my child and I will hear
Believe in me and I will deliver thee
Seek out my Word and I will let you see
Have blinding faith in my path and believe
That I have carefully and lovingly crafted a way for you
One not free from pain
Not free from sin or from temptation
Not free from injustices or prejudices
Nor a life free of tears or suffering
But a life full of undying, incomprehensible love
A heart filled with pure and limitless love
A life of grace and a peaceful heart
And the courage to make each day a fresh start

For the power of love is the greatest of all
And God’s love is exponentially greater than we could ever imagine
It has the power to save, to heal and move mountains
And its only limit is in what you choose to believe
Its only limit is in what you choose to believe....
It is sickening now to see and understand that the key to all my sleepless nights, my endless search for answers to my questions and self-reflection, that every believed and self-conceived lie and misdirection – all came down to one choice
So I choose Him
I choose to trust in Him
I choose His love over my love
I choose His path over my path
I choose His will over my will
I choose His word over my word

And every choice I make from this moment forward will also plant seeds to yield bountiful harvests
Harvests of compassion and understanding, of love and comfort, of peace and enlightenment
A harvest of trust that my life through him will bring him Glory
A harvest of faith that through his love I will never again be empty
A harvest of light to bring an end to my blind fumbling around in the darkness
To begin my journey out of darkness