Journey out of Darkness

I wrote this last year, inspired by a artist who used poetry and the spoken word to bring truth to others. This is part of my story and I thought it fitting to share it.


Intro
It is said that we are all planted
Born from the earth, we are hand-crafted
By our heavenly creator above

Our actions; seeds producing fruit
Every deed yielding forth, taking root
Producing bountiful harvests

This story begins – an epic journey
A search for truth, impassioned by yearning
The truth of the heart found long after painful learning
So many years spent wandering
A journey out of darkness



My heart is broken; a childhood spent in sadness
I’m left to wonder where you have gone
There is no game or friend or vice or food that can fill the empty void you have left behind
Your absence plants the seed of rejection
Which bears fruit to a life of self-loathing action
The lie has been planted and will bear fruit

A simple lie has manifested within me
“If my father can’t love me, then what must be wrong with me?”
For a child knows nothing of broken promises between man and woman; nothing of the torment of failed relationships – a child knows only the repercussion
The disaster that lay in waste at man and woman’s failure to stay mated

And so the world builds itself around the lie
With every breath taken, every word written, every praise sought out and every hope forsaken
The thought of love, as intangible as the morning mist in my hands; the feeling of security as far away as the most distant corners of the earth; the sense of belonging as foreign as any strange tongue
The search for perfection with the hope that with it carries the promise of love, but always comes up short

And despite the world around you the lie has taken control
No amount of praise or adornment from others can diminish it; no amount of achievement or success can fill it

If I am prettier he will love me
If I am smarter he will respect me
If I am kinder he will admire me
If I am sweeter he will adore me

But as we grow and fail to fill the hole
The lie begins to take shape into new ideas

If I am talented I will feel love
If I am popular
If I have more things or qualities that others say are important
If I do what others around me do I will be accepted; I will feel love

If I can give all my love unconditionally to others I will always get it back and maybe it will fill me

So the love and desire of a girl for her father becomes the search for love and desire in a man, a husband
For the time of childish things has past
Forced to grow up much too fast
Will I ever find a love that will last?

But the real tragedy has just begun
For the seed has bore fruit and begins to overrun
And our grown up choices harvest so quickly
Seeking out another to fulfill yourself is a long, winding road filled with many others seeking the same
And the populated path gives false testament that the lie we all believe is achievable, sustainable, accessible
But the lie’s misdirection is a sullen curse that leads to a wasteland of pain at its worst
And no amount of lust can give birth to true sustaining love that is ever-lasting

So I seek out affection from the first man to ever give me attention
Not understanding the gravity of the situation
How my misunderstanding would perpetuate a lack of gratification
I was blind to the intrinsic value of my heart
Driven only by the hunger of a heart that is starved
Love became the food that was so desperately craved
To this bottomless pit I had become a slave

But something was wrong
Everything seemed out of place
The more I gave the less of me was left to replace what had been never given a chance to satiate
I prayed for grace but not knowing which lie to replace
I stumbled half my life with the same mistake retraced over and over until darkness consumed me

As a child the Word of God was planted in me, but as a grown woman I doubted His love could set me free
Within my mind I couldn’t reconcile all the pain and loss, all the wrong that seemed to plague the innocent
So in reality I remained lost
I had goodness in my heart and my intentions were well
But we all know that paves the road to Hell
So I let my heart and my emotions dwell on the past, on mistakes and injustices inflicted upon me
My emptiness consumed me; everything circled back to my search for my father’s love for me
And to the lie that without it there was something wrong with me
So many years wasted, searching

So I self-perpetuated the shackles that would bind me
And the love that I thought would save me only blinded
And deep within my own psychosis I subconsciously sought out men who were incapable of loving me
As if I had not spent enough time putting that lie to the test
Inside, I just couldn’t believe that I was worthy of love
And that lie had its rein through the relationships I chose
And I had planted solid feet
In the belief
That I was unlovable

The rejection of my father manifested itself in my marriage
My husband’s lack of physical intimacy served to disparage and reinforce the misconception that I was the root of the problem,
that there really was something wrong with me
So I let my depression overcome me
I substituted food for love and fed my grief
I found refuge in daydreams and lingered in sleep
Knowing that every moment awake gave passage to the daemons I held at bay
I was obese and smoking two packs a day
Killing myself in the slowest possible way
I was utterly defeated in every way

I ignored my talents and put them away
I denied my children attention and praise
I was ashamed and had only the will to turn away
I had made another relationship mistake that I had no idea how to correct
I spent countless hours trying to reflect
but the answer to me was so elusive
I had lived so long with skewed perception
So I convinced myself because of rejection I had a right to pursue another man’s affection
The lies bore fruit to a consuming infection that ate me alive from the inside out, like a cancer
And despite all the thought, all the reflection, all the effort put forth to avoid rejection and to avoiding a mistake I had seen and detected in others
Only served as misdirection and kept me bonded in oppression

So with a marriage destroyed by lies, betrayal, envy and lust
I had lost faith in and contributed to the demise of love’s trust
Every mistake was not mine to bear but I played my equal part as well
And no amount of denial or excuse or lack of responsibility could excuse my sin
But the truth was still hidden as I began seek out physical pleasure to replace the void of love
I knew that I was damaged and needed time to heal
I knew that I was still searching
So I thought if I can put aside my heart’s desire
And shelve my inner burning desire
To love and be loved
If I seek out only physical connection
I can spare my heart from its spreading infection
Not seeing the irreparable direction this dangerous train of thought was carrying me toward
I had completely devalued myself in every way
What was supposed to be the answer became further shame
And my desperation and loneliness multiplied and became
Explosive to the point of driving me insane
With only myself to blame

But He knew what lay dormant in me
And not unlike so many other nights broke down in my misery
That night I cried out “God please help me, God please help me”
I don’t want to carry this burden anymore but I just don’t know how to put it down
It goes against every lie I have ever believed

And he started to work on me
He put a series of events in motion, providing my direction and exponential devotion
He sent me a lens to remove the distortion that fed light and hope back into my life
That helped me see what my value should be
And set me back on the path to believe
And then he worked on me some more
Bringing forth new believers to touch my soul
And as my heart gave in and opened up to His word
My eyes were opened, my prayers had been heard
And he delivered me from myself
From the bondage I had placed myself in so many years ago
He made every tear an inspiration
Every scar on my heart a revelation
And gave to me spiritual elation
To spread forth across nations
Testifying in exclamation
Of my revelation
That all the while
All through my suffering, my pain and my tears
All the questions and the longing I suffered though the years
All the sum of the essence of all my fears
That I had the answer
Within myself all the while
God answered me,
Ask me, my child and I will hear
Believe in me and I will deliver thee
Seek out my Word and I will let you see
Have blinding faith in my path and believe
That I have carefully and lovingly crafted a way for you
One not free from pain
Not free from sin or from temptation
Not free from injustices or prejudices
Nor a life free of tears or suffering
But a life full of undying, incomprehensible love
A heart filled with pure and limitless love
A life of grace and a peaceful heart
And the courage to make each day a fresh start

For the power of love is the greatest of all
And God’s love is exponentially greater than we could ever imagine
It has the power to save, to heal and move mountains
And its only limit is in what you choose to believe
Its only limit is in what you choose to believe....
It is sickening now to see and understand that the key to all my sleepless nights, my endless search for answers to my questions and self-reflection, that every believed and self-conceived lie and misdirection – all came down to one choice
So I choose Him
I choose to trust in Him
I choose His love over my love
I choose His path over my path
I choose His will over my will
I choose His word over my word

And every choice I make from this moment forward will also plant seeds to yield bountiful harvests
Harvests of compassion and understanding, of love and comfort, of peace and enlightenment
A harvest of trust that my life through him will bring him Glory
A harvest of faith that through his love I will never again be empty
A harvest of light to bring an end to my blind fumbling around in the darkness
To begin my journey out of darkness

Loneliness is Gods Great Gift

I've been reading Max Lucado's book, Traveling Light, and came upon a chapter that really hit home with me.

Fall 2010 I battled with loneliness like I'd never experienced before. I had been in 2 long term relationships for the past 15 years. Truth was, I didn't know how to be alone.

"Loneliness is not the absence of faces, but the absence of intimacy. Loneliness doesn't come from being alone, but from feeling alone. Bags of loneliness show up everywhere. They litter the floors of bathrooms and clubs. We drag them into parties and usually drag them back out. You'll spot them near the desk of the overworker, beside the table of the overeater, and on the nightstand of the one-night stand-er. We'll try anything to unload our loneliness. This is one bag we want to drop quickly.

But should we? Rather than turn from loneliness, what if we turned toward it? Could it be that loneliness isn't a curse but a gift? But how could that be?

Consider this. You borrow a friends car. The radio is shot, but the CD player works. You rummage thru his collection looking for your style of music - lets say country, but find none. Only his style - classical. It's a long trip; you can only talk to yourself for so long. Eventually you reach for a CD. Initially, it's tolerable. But eventually it's enjoyable. You find yourself opened up to a new genre of music you'd have never discovered on your own - had you no other choice but having been forced to listen to it.

Oh, how God wants you to hear his music. He has a rhythm that will race your heart and lyrics that will stir your tears. You want to journey to the stars? He can take you there. You want to lie down in peace? His music can soothe your soul. But first, he's got to get rid of all the other CDs that have your attention.

So he begins tossing CDs. A friend turns away. The job goes bad. Your spouse doesn't understand. The church is dull. One by one he removes the options until all you have left is God.

He would do that? Absolutely. "The Lord disciplines those he loves" (Hebrews 12:6). If he must silence every voice, he will. He wants you to hear his music. He wants you to discover what David said (Psalm 23): "You are with me". Yes you, Lord, are in heaven. Yes, you rule the universe. Yes, you sit upon the stars and make your home in the deep. But yes, yes, yes, you are with me.

The Lord is with me. The Creator is with me. Yahweh is with me. Moses proclaimed it: "What great nation has a god as near to them as the LORD our God is near to us" (Deut. 4:7).

Paul announced it: "He is not far from each of us" (Acts 17:27). And David discovered it. Somewhere in the pasture, wilderness or palace, David discovered that God meant business when he said:
"I will not leave you" (Gen. 28:15).
"I will....not forsake My people" (1 Kings 6:13)
"The Lord will not abandon His people" (Ps. 94:14).
"God.....will never leave you or forsake you" (Deut. 31:6)

The discovery of David is indeed the message of Scripture - the Lord is with us. You are not alone. Your family may turn against you, but God won't. Your friends may betray you, but God won't. You may feel alone in the wilderness, but you are not. He is with you. And because he is, everything is different: YOU are different.

God changes your "n" to a "v". You go from being lonely to lovely. When you know God loves you, you won't be desperate for the love of others.

For fear of not fitting in, we take the drugs. For fear of standing out, we wear the clothes. For fear of appearing small, we go into debt and buy the house. For fear of going unnoticed, we dress to seduce or impress. For fear of sleeping alone, we sleep with anyone. For fear of not being loved, we search for love in all the wrong places.

All of that changes when we discover God's perfect love. And "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18). What was the focus of David in the psalm? "You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me". How did Jesus endure the terror of the crucifixion? He went first to the Father with his fears. "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you" (Psalm 56:3). Do the same with yours. Cry out to Jesus with your fears, your burdens. He doesn't think they're foolish or silly; he's been where you are, he knows how you feel. And was God willing? Yes and no. He didn't take away the cross, but he took the fear. God didn't still the storm, but he calmed the sailor. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" (Phil. 4:6).

Don't measure the size of the mountain; talk to the One who can move it. Instead of carrying the world on your shoulders, talk to the One who holds the universe on his. Hope is a look away.

Now, what were you looking at?"

As I look back on my situation, I can truly say that my loneliness drove me to God. It was the greatest gift he could have ever given me. Because when I put aside my pride and my self assurances about how I don't need anyone and I got this, he took my burdens from me - all of them. The ones from last week and the ones that have plagued me for a lifetime. There is not one fear, worry, or moment of loneliness that he wasn't willing to take from me. Yahweh is always with me, near me, inside of me, leading me through the valley of the shadow of death. And I can say with confidence that I fear nothing with him with me.

The Prison of Want - An Excerpt from Max Lucado's Traveling Light

Come with me to the most populated prison in the world. The facility has more inmates than bunks. More prisoners than plates. More residents than resources.

Come with me into the world's most oppressive prison. Just ask the inmates; they will tell you. They are overworked and underfed. Their walls are bare and bunks are hard.

No prison is so populated, no prison so oppressive, and, what's more, no prison is so permanent. Most inmates never leave. They never escape. They never get released. They serve a life sentence in this overcrowded, under-provisioned facility.

The name of the prison? You'll see it over the entrance. Rainbowed over the gate are four cast iron letters that spell out its name:

W-A-N-T

The prison of want. You've seen her prisoners. They are "in want". They want something. They want something bigger. Nicer. Faster. Thinner. They want.

They don't want much, mind you. They just want one thing. One new job. One new car. One new house. One new spouse. They don't want much. They just want one.

And when they have "one", they will be happy. And they are right - they will be happy. When they have "one", they will leave the prison. But then it happens. The new-car smell passes. The new job gets old. The neighbors buy a larger television set. The new spouse has bad habits. The sizzle fizzes, and before you know it, another ex-con breaks parole and returns to jail.

Are you in prison? You are if you feel better when you have more and worse when you have less. You are if joy is one delivery away, one sexual experience away, one transfer away, one award away, or one makeover away. If your happiness comes from something you deposit, drive, date, drink, or digest, then face it - you are in prison, the prison of want.

Think for just a moment about the things that you have. Think about the house you have, the car you drive, the money you've saved. Think about the jewelry you've inherited and the stocks you've traded and the clothes you've purchased. Think about the last drink you had or the last time you were intimate. Think about the people you've been with and the things you've shared and the trust and expectation you put into each of them.

Now think about all the things that you desire to have. Think about the newest toy or video game or iPhone that's come out. Think about the newest movie, or the newest album, or the sexiest superstar. Now, envision all your stuff, the things you've had and the things you desire to have. Is there even one among them that has brought you lasting joy?

Are you hoping that a change in circumstances will bring a change in your attitude? If so, you are in prison, and you need to learn the secret of traveling light. What is the one thing separating you from joy? How do you fill in this blank: "I will be happy when ______________ ?" When I am healed. When I am promoted. When I am married. When I am single. When I am rich. Now as you form your answer, ponder this. If your ship never comes in, if your dream never comes true, if the situation never changes, could you be happy? If not, then you are sleeping in the cold cell of discontent. You are in prison. And you need to know what you have in your Shepherd.

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil. My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen." - Psalm 23, a Psalm of David

"Naked a man comes from his mother's womb, and as he comes, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand." - Eccles. 5:15

David has found the pasture where discontent goes to die. It's as if he's saying, "what I have in God is greater than what I don't have in life." All of your stuff isn't yours. Ask any coroner, any embalmer. No one takes anything with him. And all that stuff isn't who you are. Jesus said, "Life is not defined by what you have, even when you have a lot" - Luke 12:15. If you define yourself by your stuff or your position or your education, then you'll feel good only when those things are in order. Even the most enduring of any of those "things" are fleeting at best. Things break. People hurt and let down. Circumstances change without warning. If your joy depends on things or people or circumstances, you will always be left wanting and without. You will remain in the prison of want.

You have a God who hears you, the power of love behind you, the Holy Spirit within you, and all of heaven ahead of you. If you have the Shepherd, you have grace for every sin, direction for every turn, a candle for every corner, and an anchor for every storm. You have everything you need. And who can take it from you? Can leukemia infect your salvation? Can bankruptcy impoverish your prayers? A tornado might take your earthly house, but will it touch your heavenly home?

And look at your position. Why clamor for prestige and power? Are you not already privileged to be part of the greatest work in history? If you are a child of God, you are automatically part of a global enterprise. One that has branches in every country in the world; with representatives in nearly every parliament and boardroom on earth. We're into motivation and behavior alteration. We run hospitals, feeding stations, crisis-pregnancy centers, universities, publishing houses, and nursing homes. Our organization cares for its clients from birth to death. We are into life insurance and fire insurance. We perform spiritual heart transplants. Our original Organizer owns all the real estate on earth, plus an assortment of galaxies and constellations. He knows everything and lives everywhere. Our product is free for the asking. (There's not enough money to buy it). Our CEO was born in a hick town, worked as a carpenter, didn't own a home, was misunderstood by his family and hated by his enemies, walked on water, was condemned to death without a trial, and arose from the dead. And we get to talk with him every day.

- I've paraphrased and added some things in for good measure.

If you do not know Jesus as your Shepherd, you are living in the prison of want. And only you have the key. You can choose to leave any time you want.

Personal Goals

I'm gearing up to make a major shift in my physical lifestyle. Summer of 2010 (and on through the winter) I lost 30lbs. I was going through a divorce and had a lot of negativity to work through, so I channeled it all through walking. I'm not a runner, not really into aerobics and gyms - walking is my thing. I have never liked eating breakfast and so I would have coffee loaded with sugar and creamer for usually two meals a day. But I was walking 5 miles almost everyday, at least 5 days a week, so I was able to lose weight.

I have struggled with my weight all my life; as a kid I was told to eat everything on my plate or else, and as a teen and adult I would often turn to food for comfort. Summer of 2011, I travelled a lot and didn't work out the way I was and started putting the weight back on. This winter has brought almost all of it back. I've been buying and making healthier foods, but I've had no energy and can't shake off my sugar cravings.

This year my goal is to take the aspects of what worked before and add some new things to implement a healthy diet and exercise program I can maintain consistently throughout my life (hopefully). I started making fruit and veggie smoothies about a month ago to try to thwart my appetite and it was working, but my blender broke. I used to have a treadmill and used it until my son broke it. So I've been trying to figure out what I know will work successfully for me and implement. So with my income tax refund I'm getting 3 things: I'm getting a blender/juicer combo unit, a quality one that won't break on me in 6 months; a tread climber from Bowflex (the cheapest one - it has no moving arm parts and the motor is kenetic); and the last thing is I'm taking the 24 day challenge from Advocare. It is a 10 day cleansing program where you're on basically a vegan diet and the rest of the time you add back in lean meats, fish and dairy. It works like a reset button for your appetite, flushing out all the junk food cravings and cleansing out your liver from all the chemicals that are in our processed foods. My goal is to implement all 3 of these pretty much at the same time.

I know I can lose the weight I've done it before. And yeah it stinks I'm spending so much money on stuff to help me do it. But the truth is, nothing is more important than our physical health than our spiritual health. Another truth is, is that I waste so much money on lesser things every year so why not make an investment in me, in a system I can implement and be consistent with throughout my life? Now that my spirit and my mind are aligned and I have a healthy plan for them in seeking Jesus, I really feel this need to bring my physical self under obedience and to get rid of my bad eating habits and indulgences in food once and for all!!

I'm saying this out loud for everyone to hear because I'm serious about it and want to be held accountable for the goals I am setting for myself! So pray for me if you will!

Reflections and Praises

I reflect today on the day of my birth;
at how many birthdays I have spent in tears and in uncertainty,
in the grip of fear and rejection and pain,
in the chains of my guilt and the past,
and in the deep sorrow of lesser accounts of love that could not be sustained,
that would always let me down and leave me wanting.

I marvel now in the understanding that with every passing year,
every epiphany discovered, every truth uncovered,
every hard learned lesson applied;
every gain through reflection was a step in the right direction
but on my own wasn't enough to lift the vail from my eyes.

I saw my life through my eyes without really seeing;
though my conscious was seeding, my heart was still bleeding.
I had gathered every one of my good intentions,
I formed them and shaped them into my own invention;
they became my reflection and shattered when I hit them
and now, my path, that seemed clear of obstruction
was littered with fragments of a life that was broken.

How many times did I cry out and fall to my knees;
how many reruns of pain did I play over and over again,
thinking it would cleanse me, save me, release me.
How long it took me, Oh Lord, to realize
that my pain doesn't forgive and sorrow doesn't entitle me.
And all that's been inflicted was never intended
to be stored up and used as self-righteous prescription
to justify my sin and worship my carnality.

But today I celebrate a new birth;
and revel in the knowledge and find strength in my conviction,
that through his salvation his love is my addiction,
that I'm more than the sum of just ashes and dirt,
I was created, on purpose, to dwell with Him on this earth.

If you think you know me, I challenge you to see me.
Because I'm not the same, I've been born again.
And just because in that I proclaim,
doesn't mean on my shoulders I bear the church's shame.
The man who has saved me isn't the same
as the religion that looked down at you or turned you away;
and if my words offend you, your guilt isn't mine to blame
only you can reconcile your life in shame.

My words aren't of condemnation, but of love;
it is out of my own personal satisfaction and deep gratification
that I cry out to you to listen,
the pain he rescued me from was real
and my life and my heart are transformed and healed.
And the cry I cry out to you in elation
is because I see your pain and know your humiliation
and if you seek him out you will become a new creation
and all the things that the devil tries to convince you
that you have to give up to follow Him
are really just the things you've been running from
all your life.

I want you to wake up and stop hiding from the truth;
stop making excuses and seeing Jesus as a bunch of rules,
all of the things you are chasing and running from are lies
planted into your psyche to confuse and disguise.
You were created to dwell with the living God,
and your guilt and your pain and your past and your entitlements
and all the things you think are coming due to you because
of all the pain you've endured,
is just the by-product of a lost world, the refuse of immorality and idolatry.

Why are you clinging to the things of this world?
There is stark evidence right in front of you of so much more.
Are you living in your own mind, existing in your hopes and dreams
because everything else is so unkind?
You are the living dead; living for scraps of pleasure from
the tables of demons to whom you give constant permission to control you.
Your pride in what you think you deserve is only fueling
the shroud of misery that lurks in the depths of your heart;
that no television show or movie or education or amount of money can ever remove.
You are a willing slave to the things you despise, and you don't even acknowledge it.

How do I know?

Because I WAS THERE!!
You can hide from my words and turn to your pride but beloved,
you can't hide from the living God. He sees you as you are;
he knows the depths of your heart and the longings of your soul
and he is the only answer to the cries of eternity screaming from your inner being.

This is my birthday and my birthday lament.
But the truth is, the only present I want is for those whom I know and love to know and experience first hand the freedom and the pure joy that comes from crying out to your savior to save you and forgive you and to seek him with all of your heart and your mind and your soul. The joy of God is not found in seeking him with 98% of yourself; his joy is found in that last 2%. He wants all of you. And you were made to want him above all else and if you don't know that truth in your life you will be miserable forever.

It's not hard for me to want to live out God's commandments in my life (it's not easy to do them but it's easy to WANT to do them, to set my heart on doing them), because I know what the other side looks like. I've spent 38 years seeking out the things that only he can provide for me on my own, I'm not spending one more year without the things I need in my heart to be content and joyful and satisfied. I am not some specially anointed person who has found something that's not available to the rest of you; the peace in my heart can be your peace, the freedom from guilt and the past can be your freedom; and the incalculable love that overflows in my heart and will never stop flowing is yours to claim if you want it. It's all about priorities.