The Seven Longings of the Human Heart

I've been listening to and studying sermons from the "Passion for Jesus Conference" held in April 2010 [available at http://mikebickle.org/resources/series/cultivating-passion-for-jesus], and was particularly struck by this one. God created the human spirit with 7 longings that are to draw us to Him and reflect his glory in us. They are the longing:

• for assurance the we are enjoyed by God
• to be fascinated
• to be beautiful
• to be great
• for intimacy without shame
• to be wholehearted (passionate)
• and for significance in our lives that has a lasting impact

I, and many other Christians and non-Christians have thought/been taught all my life that many of these are sinful and fall under pride and vanity. I was shocked to discover that God made us with these longings on purpose, and that each longing is a reflection of his personality. These longings, when focused in their intended ways, enable us to walk with Jesus as his eternal companion and give us insight into how God created our spirit. 

We will have these cravings forever; and as a result we have a great appetite for pleasure. We can't get rid of them by repenting of them; which [the idea we need to repent of them] plays into a false paradigm1 of religion and God. Our tension (trouble) in life comes when we seek to satisfy these longings outside of God. Each of these longings has a counterfeit in this life, meaning there are false ways presented by this world in which we can attempt to satisfy them. 

1 paradigm |ˈparəˌdīm|

noun1 technical a typical example or pattern of something; a model : there is a new paradigm for public art in this country. See note at model .• a worldview underlying the theories and methodology of a particular scientific subject : the discovery of universal gravitation became the paradigm of successful science.

When I refer to a wrong paradigm of God, I'm referring to concepts, ideas and beliefs that we as society have about God and religion that are based on misconception or half-truths that are applied incorrectly to our lives. I know in my own personal walk with God over the past year, I have uncovered at least a dozen of these, and I'm convinced many people I know and love are living spiritually dull lives because those false paradigms are designed to confuse us as to God's purpose and wisdom and it feeds off of our insecurities and wrong assumptions. 

"Why does God let bad things happen to good people?" "If God doesn't want us to sin, why did he create us with these instincts and longings?" "If God wants to be with us so badly, why doesn't he just end all the suffering now and come and get us?" "God will only love me if I obey all his rules perfectly", "God's love for us is limited when we sin or based on how much we sin", "The bible says I should look forward to going to heaven, but I feel guilty because I don't [or] based on what I know of heaven, I think I will miss things that I have here (not just material objects, but aspects of me, of my humanness, and thus I don't long for it the way the bible says I should". Having the WRONG answers to these questions will keep us from truly accepting and loving God!!!   

We are designed to live EXHILARATED in God! Many people have no idea what I'm talking about, they have no concept of this in their lives. Even Christians who love God live their lives without FEELING him in their being. They see the commandments as a laundry list of do's and don'ts (that can't possibly be followed completely or are outdated for our times) and do one of two things: they attempt to live by them by their own accord; fail, suffer constant guilt and loss because they think the life of a Christian is meant to suffer for God (again, a wrong paradigm) [or] they throw in the towel and live by a false grace message, I'm saved so I can live how I want because I'll be forgiven. 

The truth is, both are wrong. And the CORRECT answers to all of those questions and more are in his word. His word is the living flesh; if you don't know that truth in your own lives then you are ill-equipped to receive and give love to/from God in fullness. Satan puts just enough truth into a lie to make it believable. Like this one:

"We, the saints, are meant to suffer for God"

That's true in many rights but is applied falsely in many churches. Consider this reality of "suffering for Christ" to see if it applies to you.

This believer loves God, attends church sometimes, maybe even regularly (or not at all). They believe the bible is God's word, that Jesus is his son, all of that. They seek him out in times of trouble through prayer and they have basic knowledge of the bible and/or bible stories. They call themselves a Christian, but in their heart they feel like most people who attend church are hypocrites, putting forward a face of obedience but don't walk the walk or are are extremely critical of others. This believer wants to be a good person and feels it's important treat others well, but they have all these unanswered questions about why bad things happen to them. They've been told it's all part of God's plan, and they parrot that phrase in front of other Christians but feel an emptiness in that answer, like it's weak and isn't a good enough explanation.

They know they are supposed to believe and accept it as God's will, but deep within their heart they are at conflict with that and harbor secret hostility, pain or despair over this conflict. Their lives feel unfulfilling and they struggle with the pain and wrongs that have been inflicted on them and have difficultly moving past them. Or they adopt a fervent need to succeed, accomplish, conquer - always saying, "once I do this I'll be happy" or "once I get to that point I'll be satisfied", but contentment in their lives never seems to come. This believer tries hard to do what's right, but find themselves unable to refrain from certain behavior. They suffer continuous guilt over it and the only God they "feel" is a God that's disappointed in them and looking down on them shaking his finger. So they feel guilty and try again and fail and they live a life of misery as a Christian because that is what they believe a Christian's life looks like. It's all sacrifice, no reward. We don't get our reward until we die, so suck it up now and take it like a man. In their minds, this is what it means to suffer for God.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is - that when Adam and Eve sinned, they surrendered their rights as rulers of this world to Satan. Their birth right became the devil's. God doesn't just stand by and let bad things happen; Satan is the God of this world and it is he who inflicts pain and suffering on us - and it is our separation from God that causes us suffering. Our SIN makes us suffer. And since the moment that mankind sinned, separating us from God, He has been coming for us with a lovesick heart, desiring above all else to have us dwell with him again. God sent Jesus down to win mankind back to him and reclaim mankind's right to rule the earth with their God. The monkey-wrench in all of this is free will. God gave us free will because he wanted us to choose to love him. He can't just wave his hand and make all the bad stuff go away and get rid of Satan because then his greatest creations would be separated from him forever. So through the natural course of history, the story of mankind is unfolding to fulfill the word of God, which ends with God being reunited with his people.

So, short of Jesus coming again, we will endure suffering this side of eternity. But the truth of that is that we don't suffer for God, we are supposed to suffer through God. The believer that is tired of suffering the wrong way must set their heart to love God and to seek out his word. "God, I'm setting my heart toward you, I ask for forgiveness, and I seek out the truth in your word, help me to see it". If you can say that prayer and suffer through the boredom of reading the bible, something will happen. He will reveal meaning of his word to you. Then you need to change your prayer, "Ok, Lord, you've revealed this truth to me, show me how to apply it to my life, I want to commit to living it."

Rinse and repeat.

Knowing his word is only part of the equation; you have to set your heart on living what you've learned. And when you screw up and slip, you confess your sin, ask him to help you. You're not a hypocrite for setting a standard for yourself and falling short; that's what the grace of God is for. You commit to this pattern of thinking and worshiping and I promise you soon you will begin to feel God's power in your life. What do I mean by power? You will learn to harness the power of God and funnel your suffering on to him for him to bear. Things that used to upset you now don't have the same grip they once did. Areas of your life that were dark begin to brighten. The truth that Satan does not want you to know is that when you love God through obedience, you gain His power.

Those "sacrifices" that the Devil tries to convince you are too valuable to give up become nothing compared to God's love and the benefits you've received from those sacrifices. It becomes easier and easier to do His will because he is giving you more of his power to cope. The more you choose to love Him first before yourself, the happier you are. He puts permanent gladness in your heart. He showers you with confidence in his love and joy abounds throughout your life onto others. You sacrifice through God because you give your worry and pain and sorry up to him and you are left content in every circumstance. When you can loose your job and rejoice in gladness in the Lord in your trust that he will provide for you, and your trust is pure and wholehearted like a child's, you're beginning to see the power of God. All of the depression and guilt and inadequacies and sin that kept you trapped in a dull spirit fall away in the name of Jesus, and you are bright and full of joy and fascination and awe at everything around you.

I digressed way off the topic of the 7 longings, but I felt it was important to know how to get to the right understanding of these longings and how they play into who we are. Each of us were created with a craving in our hearts to be pursued, delighted in, and enjoyed, first by God and then by family and friends. One of the prevailing strongholds of the mind are the fear of rejection and the trauma of shame. Satan takes the shame of our sin and uses it to convince us that we've gone too far for God's grace to apply, and we fear His rejection so we run from Him when we sin instead of running to Him. This creates "emotional traffic" that drains our strength.

#1] Our longing to be enjoyed by God is fulfilled as we receive full revelation of God's emotions (affections) toward us. The finished work of Jesus dying on the cross means that Jesus's blood absorbs our sin so that we stand in the presence of God as blameless as Christ. When we understand why God sent his son to die for us and why Jesus chose to make that sacrifice, we can fully know how much we are desired by God. A third of the angels in heaven rose against Him and were cast out without a second thought; but ALL of mankind rejected Him and he said, uh-uh, not so fast. He came after us, took on our form, lived our life, died our death, was raised from the dead, ascending to the right hand of the Father to save our rightful place next to Him. God desires us. The trials of this life are conditioning us - designed to bring free-willed humans into spiritual maturity. God's will is taking every bad thing that Satan can throw at us and turning it into positive growth for us to be prepared to be with him forever. And he gives us every tool at his disposal to deal with it all with a glad and satisfied heart.

#2] We have a deep craving in our spirit to be fascinated, to marvel and be awestruck and filled with wonder. The entertainment industry has tapped into this instinct and used it to make unsurmountable profit. But when God reveals God to our spirit, we experience "divine entertainment". Without a sense of awe, we live aimlessly and in boredom. A spiritually bored believer is weak and vulnerable to Satan. A fascinated believer is strong and equipped to face temptation.

#3] Our inner desire to be beautiful and to look upon beauty is not a sin; it was purposefully instilled into our spirits by our creator. Our own beautiful God created us in such a way that we long to possess and feel His imparted beauty, and that beauty is evident through His salvation. God transfers his beauty to humans through Jesus. Our culture has an obsession with physical beauty and seeks to answer this legitimate longing in the wrong way. Many pursue beauty at all cost and feel unsettled without it. To have an unnatural focus on physical beauty while neglecting inner beauty transforms this legitimate longing into sinful nature.

#4] Humans long to be great. Our God is great and thus, created us to be great. We were made to be crowned with glory, honor and nobility. God created mankind to rule equally with and under the guidance of His son. But we must do it His way, not ours. Our desire for greatness and success isn't wrong and cannot be removed from us through repentance. But exercising that longing to be great in this life through vanity or power is a sin. His requirement for greatness and the highest honors in the kingdom to come is to be meek and have the heart of a servant here. Humans drunk with power abuse it; but the person with humility at his core that puts the needs of others first in this life will be given the highest positions of power in the life to come. Humans that are most like God will gain the most power, riches and accolade in the afterlife. At the core of God is humility and love. We must live as a humble servant in this life to become a king in the next.

#5] We have desire raging in our core being; we crave intimacy without shame.  But the counterfeit of desire in this age is lust and immorality. Our desire is burning out of control, lashing out every place, exploding at us through technology, desperate to find satisfaction. No pleasure of this world can provide permanent satisfaction to this longing. If you look deep into your heart and objectively look at your life, you know this to be true. The greatest sex, the deepest love, the highest high; ALL come crashing down eventually and do not last outside of the will of God. Intimacy involves a two-way knowing. When we delve deep into the heart of God, he reveals his secrets to us as he already know ours. To be fully known without shame and to be free from the fear of being left along is exhilarating.

With an equal intimate knowledge of each other (ourselves and God) we can satisfy this longing. He rejoices and celebrates with us in our triumphs, he understands the secret aspects of our lives that are unknown, unnoticed, and misunderstood by others. He sees our painful struggle with sin, and understands our pain in failure and protects us by not disclosing the vast majority of our sin. He knows our shameful deeds, yet believes in us and treats us with honor. He sees our costly sacrifices as we walk in faith and obedience to him. And he knows our heart's passions and our deepest dreams and sees our intentions to do good.

#6] God instilled our longing to be wholehearted and passionate. We long to give our deepest affections to God; and he empowers us to be passionate. We cannot function properly until we passionately give our heart to a Person and purpose beyond ourselves. If we don't have something to die for, we have nothing to live for. The human heart wasn't designed to work half-heartedly. The passive heart is bored and vulnerable to lust. To be emotionally whole, we must live whole-heartedly. Walking in wholehearted love for Jesus frees us from the burnout of spiritual boredom. The "joy of lovesickness" is exhilarating.

#7] The longing for our lives and our works to be significant and to have a lasting impact drives us to succeed. But our definition of success in this age isn't biblical, and cannot fulfill us completely. Something is missing. Our consumerism is driven by this premise; the drive for success and to obtain wealth and things is all driven by this longing for significance and impact. God designed us to have great impact in each other's lives under the guidance of things that are significant to HIM, not us. Your working and striving to accomplish in this age by the world's standards will leave you emotionally bankrupt. Our significance is found in our works expressing the love of God to others in our world and our impact is the expansion of our hearts to increase our capacity to receive the knowledge of God and share that with his people.

Mike Bickle's sermon brings it home much better than I do, if any of this has struck a chord with you, I encourage you to listen to it (link is at the beginning). 

I Am The True Vine

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it might bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As my Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have  kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."

-John 15:1-11

I was reading these versus today and their meaning really struck me. Jesus reveals through John that our relationship to him and to his Father, God, is the same as that between the branch, the vine and the vinedresser.

Without the vinedresser to maintain the vine, it's branches would grow wild and grow in their own direction. The vine brings life and nourishment to the branches; without it, the branches could not exist. We, believers in Christ, are his branches; every branch that does not bear fruit is removed from the vine of Christ, every branch that does bear fruit is pruned so that it may grow and yield more fruit.

If you believe in God and believe that Jesus is his son and is the way, the truth, and the life, and that no one may get to the father except through him [John 14:6], then you have to understand what this parable means in your life and in your relationship to God.

What does it mean to bear fruit? How do we know if we are bearing fruit? Does bearing fruit in our lives mean doing good deeds, treating people with kindness and respect; does it mean being upright and moral... what does it mean? When these versus refer to "bearing fruit", it means bearing fruit in your spiritual life, to grow in the knowledge of the Lord through the spirit, the holy spirit.

Many people who have been saved, who have accepted Christ as their savior, live under the premise that once they've been saved they have achieved the pinnacle of their spiritual journey; that Jesus died for their sins and now that they are saved, they are going to heaven and that's that. There is no need to read the bible because it's just a boring book that's hard to understand and there's no need to go to church, because they have a relationship with Christ; they talk to God, they pray. What else is there to it, right? I'm saved, I'm not going to hell, my sins are washed away and I pray to him when I need him.

In John 15, Jesus says, "Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." OK. Well, what does it mean to abide? I'm saved, so I am abiding, right? I've got this. Well, the definition of abide is:

abide |əˈbīd|verb1 [ intrans. ] ( abide by) accept or act in accordance with (a rule, decision, or recommendation) : I said I would abide by their decision.2 [ trans. ] ( can/could not abide) informal be unable to tolerate (someone or something) : if there is one thing I cannot abide it is a lack of discipline.3 [ intrans. ] (of a feeling or a memory) continue without fading or being lost.• archaic live; dwell.

OK, so abide means to accept or act in accordance with. OK, so if you accept Jesus you are abiding in him, right? Well, I wanted to seek out the biblical definition to this to get a deeper understanding and came across this:

” In John 15, the abiding of the Christian in Christ refers to his maintaining unbroken fellowship with Him. He makes his spiritual home in Christ. There is nothing between himself and his Savior, no sin unjudged and not put away. He depends upon Him for spiritual life and vigor as the branch is dependent upon the vine. The abiding of Christ in the Christian is His permanent residence in Him and His supplying that Christian with the necessary spiritual energy to produce fruit in his life through the ministry of the Holy Spirit.” – Wuest, K. S. (1997, c1984). Wuest’s word studies from the Greek New Testament

Now, the word abide is mentioned 9 times (if I counted correctly) in these versus. I emphasis it so much because understanding the meaning of the word and how it relates to our relationship between Jesus and ourselves is crucial to understanding our own spirituality. Let's go back to the definition the dictionary gives us. The phrase "act in accordance with"; that means to be in full agreement with and to act out that agreement in our lives. So, to abide in Christ means that we must agree with and act out the belief of that full agreement with who Christ is and what he says in the bible in our lives and to keep his commandments. Period. That's what it means. So if you don't read the bible and don't go to church, how do you know who he is, how do you know what his commandments really are? Based on what you were taught in Sunday school decades ago? Through prayer? Through your own interpretations and assumptions planted in your head based on what society says Jesus is?

If you believe in Jesus but have never moved beyond the introduction of him, the part that he's your savior and that's it, I want to challenge you to take away the full meaning of John 15 with you today. Jesus says [John 15:6], "If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned." That doesn't mean you are going to hell. If you are saved, then you are saved. This verse, this statement of being thrown in the fire and burned is referencing the day of judgement [2 Corinthians 5:10]; "For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad."

Paul spoke to believers who have experienced salvation in Christ about two types of lifestyles believes choose after they are saved. He (Paul) issues a strong warning to "take heed" how one lives their life in God because it will be tested/evaluated by the fire of God on that day. 1 Corinthians 3:9-15, Paul tells us that we are God's building, that Jesus has laid the foundation... that no other foundation laid will work other than Jesus as our foundation, and that anyone who builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stone, wood, hay, straw; each one's work [life] will become clear for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; it will test each one's work [life] of what sort it is. Those whose works endure [building on their foundation with precious metals and jewels] will receive a reward; those whose works are burned [building on their foundation of Christ with hay, straw and wood] will suffer loss; he himself will be saved but saved through fire.

In order to understand the full meaning of "abide in Jesus" and how it specifically applies to our lives, we must tie in these other scriptures. The message in John 15 is that once we are saved, we are to be in full agreement with what Jesus says and who he is [abiding in him]. We can't be in full agreement with him if we don't know him.

The lifestyles Paul spoke about refer to two typical paths that believers travel once saved. Two earthly elements are used to illustrate the point. Elements such as gold, silver and fine jewels are elements found deep in the earth. They take years of effort, planning, resources and commitment to obtain. Elements such as wood, straw and hay are found on the earth's surface and in contrast are much easier to obtain. Both of these elements are symbolic for the paths we take in our spiritual lives. If we stay at the introductory level of our knowledge of Christ, we are seeking out a path of wood, straw and hay. If we are to seek out gold, silver and fine jewels, we must dig deeper in the word and in our knowledge of God. The illustration is meant to show that in order to seek God it takes a sincere effort, time and commitment to obtain that knowledge and that that knowledge is to be sought after as fervently as precious jewels.

If you simply accept the saving grace of Jesus and put no effort into pursuing a deeper knowledge of him, you will suffer deep loss [probably similar to regret] when the works of your life are burned up in the fire on the day of judgement. There will be no acknowledgement for the works of your life, it will be as if your life was wasted and you had not lived.

The reason pursuing the knowledge of Jesus takes effort is because you have a watered-down vision of who he is. If you had a glimpse of who he really is, it would be no effort for you to desire to seek him. At first, the bible seems boring and is hard to understand. Many churches seems to be museums for righteous people when they should be hospitals for the sick. Your incorrect ideology of God keeps you from digging deeper into the knowledge of God. You are God's temple; his spirit lives in you, but if you don't put effort into seeking him out he will not reveal himself to you and you won't feel his presence within you. God's word is food for our spirit; without it, our spirits remain dull and starved and malnourished.

If you, by faith, can believe that the knowledge of God is as precious as riches and gold; if you make a commitment to yourself to try to learn more, read your bible and pray for him to reveal himself to you, I promise you it will change everything about you. If you need motivation to read the bible, listen to some of these sermons that have inspired me to go deeper in the word.
http://www.ihop.org/onething/
go down under the main video to "Notes & MP3s"; you can download and listen to the audio files and/or download the sermon notes in word or pdf.

If you have areas of your life that bring you pain, if you have unresolved guilt in your life or pain from your past, the only way to rid yourself of those is to seek out the knowledge of God in you. We were created to be incomplete without him; that driving force within you that makes you seek out education and money and fame and beauty and material things, that force was designed for one purpose, to make us unhappy and incomplete without God. If you believe the things that are broken in you can be fixed through reflection, self-realization, self-help, monetary achievement, or the adulation of others ALONE, you are believing the lies of this world and you will never be complete, never satisfied. You can try to prove me wrong and spend your life trying to obtain it on your own, or you can take a leap of faith on the remote chance that I am right. Give it a week or a month; really try to read the bible or listen to these sermons. Set out with an open mind that knowledge of the spirit within you will be revealed just enough to keep you interested. If you do that, I promise you, the love of God is a virus that will spread throughout your life, infecting every part of you, and bring with it the power to heal you in every way and bring meaning and purpose to your life like never before.

Dreams and Visions

I have been listening to a preacher named Mike Bickle lately who is associated with IHOP.org. And he has this sermon on dreams and visions, about how God often speaks to us and relays direction to us through them, and how often times we dismiss them as pizza dreams. I've set my heart on serving God I really feel like that he has important work for me. So, I've been praying when I go to sleep and when I wake up that if God is revealing anything to me in my dreams and visions, to please make sure I don't miss it that it really strikes me.

And low and behold, last night I had a dream. There were all these men around me. I don't remember what I was doing, but I knew there were just normal things going on - it was just day to day living in this dream. Keanu Reeves was there but he was a regular guy (not sure what that's all about, lol) but there was also this guy named Jamie that I met when I was first single in TC and I really liked him and wanted to get to know him, but for whatever reason, he kept me at bay. It may be important to know that we met online and had talked on the phone, exchanged pictures and we were both creative, and he expressed an attraction and interest in me, but I think my overt neediness at the time kept him from meeting me in person. All of which are embarrassing things to admit, but it may be important to interpreting the dream.

So first it was Keanu; we were interacting like normal people in normal lives, and I felt this overwhelming desire to pursue him. So that desire to pursue a relationship with him manifested itself into a chase in the dream. It fit well with whatever activities we were doing in the dream, but the bottom line was I was chasing him and putting all my attention into getting HIS attention. Then the same thing with this Jamie guy, same scenario. And at some point my conscious mind stepped in and I actually woke myself from the dream because I saw what it was that I was doing, and I forced myself to stop chasing them in the dream, and went back to sleep.

A side note outside of the dream, it's important to acknowledge that I recently ended a friendship with a man that I had been pursuing in this unhealthy way in real life. This person at the time was the most important thing in my life, I valued our friendship above all others, which was part of the problem. In the midst of the major personal changes I was making, I couldn't just stop everything, rewind, and apply a whole new set of rules and feelings and boundaries to our relationship, because my feelings for him were getting in the way of me finishing that work. So I had to sever that connection completely or that would always be the weak link that kept me tied to that obsessive behavior. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I've been struggling with that decision ever since.

I'm sure I don't understand the full interpretation of the dream, but I know that part of its purpose was to acknowledge that I have been chasing men my whole life and to confront the reality of how spending and how unhealthy that mindset is. I got a very calming sensation in the dream after I had forced it to change directions by waking up briefly. The other purpose was, I believe, kind of a heavenly reassurance that I finally have it right, that my decision to stop pursuing and seeking the affection and adoration of men, and the effort I have put into changing that in me is absolutely right and necessary.

I have confronted these issues in my mind many times over the past 3 years; known that my approach to relationships was addictive and destructive, but only over the past year or so have I set my mind to change it; I mean really dissect it to identify the deep-rooted lies that have been fueling these behaviors. It's been a long, hard road to get from there to here. So many moments of insecurity and doubt, so many tears, so much loneliness - but oh my God - so worth it. I woke up from the dream elated, I was actually smiling from ear to ear when I sat up in my bed and the sun was shining into my window and I felt so happy in the knowledge that I am right where I am supposed to me. That my mind, my heart and my spirit are so much healthier now, and clear and vibrant. I don't think I've ever experienced anything like it from a dream. It was amazing.

I know this dream isn't some heavy, prophetic dream with life-threatening importance, but it affected me as if it was. Because any woman who has ever struggled with the things I have - with feelings of being unlovable, with the need to seek out love at any cost, with addictive and depressive personalities that they want to control but can't seem to - this dream to me was as if I was standing on the rooftop of the tallest building in the biggest city and shouting, "I'm free!! I'm free!!" And I was. And I finally am. Praise God.

God, Politics and Junk Mail

My friend Neely had posted today that anyone contributing to Obama's campaign, let her know so she could punch them in the face, lol. I didn't respond, but had feelings about it. Then I got a junk email in my inbox from the Obama campaign and I felt like I needed to do something.

My political views have changed drastically in the past year. I have been mostly democrat all my life, but I was very passionate about supporting Obama's campaign in 2008. Since then, my political ideology has changed drastically and I have all but unplugged from politics, news and tv as much as possible. I decided today to unsubscribe from the campaign. I have been deleting the emails for the past year anyway, but it was more than that. So when I went to unsubscribe it gave me an option to leave a comment as to why, and boy did I. Here is what I wrote:

"I was passionately involved with your campaign but your cry of change has been snuffed out by the corruption of Washington. You have not held those accountable who collapsed our financial system but only served to reward them, which is just one of a thousand things still left undone. You were my last hope for change. I believed the words that came from your mouth. I no longer believe any political party is capable of making change and I feel the only way to have an impact on my government is through prayer. 


You know, I am so personally disappointed by you. You have the power to shift the tides of power in our government away from the corporations and back to the people, but you don't follow your convictions. If you focused your entire campaign on abolishing campaign financing you would change everything. It's news, news stations will cover it. The message will get out there. It is the campaign contributions that are putting all of our elected officials in prison to the promises they make to the most powerful and greedy among us. Until that chain of command ends, there will never be change beyond window dressing in our country. 


If you came out and said, "I know change has not come the way I had envisioned and thought that it could, I know that I made promises I couldn't keep, and that is why I am focusing my campaign 100% on taking the voice of corporations out of our voting process completely, I want to abolish campaign contributions from EVERYONE. We can hold town meetings and debate openly for people to get to know us and where we stand on the issues. Every avenue of sustainable change in our country is in limbo because corporations control our government." Yes it is political suicide, yes it would most likely backfire and you would most likely lose. But if you had the courage to stand for just that one thing to end the corruption and expose it once and for all, initiate TRUE TRANSPARENCY, you would change the tide of our political process forever. Include yourself in the conversation as you expose the corruption!! Confess the concessions you have had to make, be honest about how the system turns even the most bright-eyed and hopefully among you and lead them to compromise every moral, every stance, every belief. You would force the puppet candidates to up their game; no longer would the dog and pony dances be enough to satisfy the cry of the people. You would restore respect to the highest office in our nation and eradicate the status quo. 


Anything less than that and I can't commit my support to you or anyone else. I used to believe that one party was better than another and I was with the party I felt served the needs of the common citizen most often. But it's a lie. There is no lesser of two evils in my mind anymore; it is evil vs. evil with the most evil most likely prevailing. Only God has the power to change this corrupt system, and only a man convicted by God will have the courage to try."


I don't know which of my friends are democrats and which are republican. I don't know which hate Obama and which support him. And honestly, I don't care. There is no current political party that I can personally identify with anymore or that supports (and follows through with) my ideology and beliefs. But it does upset me when I see people I like or love making blanket statements in either direction about this candidate or that. Because, unless you have a suggestion for improvement to back up your statement, then you are adding to the problem, not helping to find the solution. You may not agree with me (and you don't have to), but the reality that our political system is entirely corrupt is undeniable, and if you don't think that money and power and greed will continue to reign in the halls of congress and the White House, if you don't confront the reality that the top 1% earners in our country own our government, then you are missing the forrest for the trees, you are living in a tunnel vision inspired reality that has devastating consequences to our future.  

The Beginning

I, like so many others, have spent most of my adult life trying to figure out who I am, what I want out of life; to find happiness and a sense of purpose, and to understand and get over the pain of my past that has so often defined who I am as a person. And, like many others of my generation, I grew up without my dad in my life, which had significant affects on my feelings of self-worth and my perception of my own "lovability" as a person and my ability to love others. So in my own self-perceived inadequacy, I drove myself to achieve perfection in all that I did in the hopes it would make me worthy of love. And in my complete lack of the knowledge of the value of who I was, I sought out attention and affection from anyone without discernment.

My relationships were inadequate and unfulfilling because I held no criteria for their basis except love. If someone said they loved me I believed them, and I believed that love was strong enough to overcome any obstacle or disagreement. And because of my need to receive love, I would whole-heartedly accept it from whomever offered it (taking the basic laws of attraction and commonality in mind). But aside from the "love" feeling, there was no common path or objective in our lives; at first, these relationships lacked enough discernible similarities in our aptitude, motivations, ideas, morals and every other facet of compatibility to provide a solid foundation for long term success. I did learn and grow from my mistakes from relationship to relationship and did eventually employ some discernment in my choices, but that feeling of wanting deep love and not having it, that deep whisper in the darkest places of my heart that said I wasn't worthy of love would work against my sensibilities and cause me to make rushed decisions in this area of my life. And then my guilt at having made bad choices would keep me in those toxic relationships much longer than I should have stayed.

The frustration of it all was paralyzing. I had learned from my mistakes, I had revised my thought processes and fine-tuned my discernment (as much as my experiences had led me to) but I was still finding myself trapped in the same patterns of behavior. I was desperate to break the cycle, to solve the puzzle. So in the acknowledgement that I was broken, that something in me was broken that kept me from being able to choose wisely who to love and how to love, I decided not to. I decided to try to separate my heart from the rest of me and to pursue physical pleasure instead. Everyone else was doing it; it seemed to be the solution for so many single people I came across. So after spending the last 15 years of my life in 2 major relationships, I decided not to pursue one intentionally.

I set out to seek relationships that were primarily physical in nature and were superficial at best. And the more I pursued physical satisfaction, the more my appetite grew. But after each instance, I would feel this bottomless void of emotion, this huge emptiness engulf me. It made me so lonely and empty; any satisfaction I got during the moment was dwarfed by the chasm of nothingness that gripped my heart afterwards. I felt starved for love and paralyzed by the need to satiate my hunger, even for a moment. I knew I had to stop, that I couldn't fix what was broken this way. So I did. I had focused my mind on a singular purpose - to experience joy in my life everyday and to seek out peace in my heart and my mind, but now the approach I had taken wasn't working and I had to try something else.

I knew I needed to be alone. I knew it wasn't good or healthy to need someone in my life to feel whole..... but there's a huge gap between knowing and doing. It was hard. I cried a lot. But the lower I got, the more I searched out my soul for answers to my questions. I wanted to love and respect myself, but didn't know how. No one had taught me. I had no discernible examples in my life with which to reference. So I dug deep to expose the skeletons in me, I searched for which experiences had led me to which beliefs and behaviors so that I could reexamine them one by one to flush out the ones based in untruth. I confronted lies that were so deeply-rooted in my psyche that they were woven into the very fabric of my being. I began an autopsy of my heart, my mind and my soul with the intention of cutting out every last thing that was dead; that extraction continues even today. Slowly I would cut and heal, cut and heal piece by piece, line by line. It was an arduous process. And painful. But as they began to heal one by one I began to see remnants of light take its place. I had hope for significant, ground-breaking change in my life for the better.

I met someone who was at the same place I was, someone who, for the first time in my life, had the ability to challenge me in every way. It was a glorious distraction from the pain and loneliness I still felt on occasion. It became a purpose that I could immerse myself in, a collaboration of friendship, creativity and intimacy. But more than that, the level of compatibility and equality set new standards of discernment and quality, and would change me forever. The rules were set and we both agreed; we would pursue all of these things together without the entanglements of a relationship. I thought that I could get all of the things that sound like love and look like love and feel like love, without the love. And for a long while, I did. But the tricky thing about engaging in activities that sound like love and look like love and feel like love is that eventually your heart becomes confused and stops pretending and starts believing. At least it did for me.

I had set all these new rules and standards for myself that I never enforced; I told myself he was the exception to the rules, that it was just temporary until the real thing came along. But the only problem was is that I wasn't his exception to his rules. And this beautiful arrangement had become a train wreck in my heart. I had come so far. I had healed so much from my past, much of it I had shared with this person. He was my prize, my reward. I couldn't reconcile the idea that we were so compatible and that our paths would cross but that we were not meant for one another. He never misled me, but I was so convinced he was the one that nothing, not even him, could convince me otherwise. But what I was about to encounter would change everything.

But amidst all these changes, something else was stewing inside of me. I thought that the deepest longings of my heart could only be satisfied by finding the right person to love, one that would reciprocate and give an equal measure of love in return. So in my mind, it only made sense to make the pursuit of this my obsession. Come to find out that that statement is true and it's not true. All of the reflection and purging and healing I had done over the past year had prepped my heart for an encounter with Jesus.

OK, don't tune out. I can see the eyes rolling right now. I know your eyes are rolling because MY eyes were rolling. When a new business client had walked into my office talking Jesus this and Jesus that, my eyes were rolling. When he said "I'm really going to be praying for you because I think God is going to move in your life in a big way very soon", my eyes were rolling. So, just so we are clear, there is no reaction you are having now at my words that I haven't already had at hearing the word Jesus from someone else. And I know now that anyone who is not pursuing the knowledge of Jesus in their heart to their fullest has one of two responses when anyone says his name; to be defensive or to be offended. I was a little of both.

I grew up in the church, I was saved as a young girl and baptized. I loved Jesus and understood and agreed with the basics of Christianity. I had even felt the holy spirit move in my heart in my younger years, but as I moved into adulthood I allowed my prejudices and negative experiences in the church as well as the American standard version of theology put a permanent bad taste in my mouth for religion. Religion was evil; I was a spiritual person. I loved God. I prayed to God. I didn't need to go to church and the bible was boring and seemed to conflict itself. So when that client said that to me in my office, I thought to myself, man this guy is some Jesus freak.

I dismissed his words. But within 30 days of meeting him, God reached into my heart and "zap!" he resuscitated my heart, and it was as if I had been brought back to life. For the first time in my life, I encountered people who had nothing to do with religion but had everything to do with seeking the understanding of Jesus in their lives. And one by one, all the idiosyncrasies I had about religion and all the excuses I had used not to go to church were chipped away, and I began to get a revelation of God like none I had ever had before.

At first it was "those people" and then there was me. I saw myself as separate from them because they were pursuing a relationship with Christ for.... however long, and I had just started. But the truth was, I was no different from them. I was no different from the preacher or the deacons or even the Pope; even though I had just had a revelation of the Lord Jesus Christ and my heart was turning toward him, in his eyes, I was exactly the same. He loved me just the same. He wanted me just the same. He died for me that I would choose him just the same. That initial guilt was the first wave of many lies the Father of Lies would throw at me to convince me that I am not worthy, that I don't belong, that I will never belong. More lies began peeling away - like the "religion is just a bunch of do's and don'ts to follow" lie and "a Christian's life is boring and stale and void of true satisfaction". Then bigger lies exposed themselves; "I need this and that [insert something here] to be happy - money, education, adulation, a better job, more stuff, the newest technology, lust, power, sex - you name it, I need it! because the television tells me so..." Wow.

The truth is, you have to seek God to find him. You seek him out by talking to him [praying], by listening for his answers [reading the bible] and by fellowshipping with others who are seeking Jesus [going to church]. But if you have ever felt any of those feelings about God or religion that I mentioned above, I challenge you to find out for yourself. Talk to God [it will be awkward at first, you may feel stupid]. Read his word [it will most likely be boring and you may not understand anything you read]. Find others who are seeking God who can encourage you [they are no different than you, and if they put on that they are, then they aren't really seeking God they are pretending to seek God, so keep looking].

I want to challenge everything you think you know about your world, your purpose, your priorities. Everyone is searching for something; everyone has this primordial longing inside that drives them forward toward something. I am telling you beloved that we were created that way on purpose, and that the drive/need/hunger within you will never be satisfied by anything short of dwelling in eternity with your creator. I dare you to prove me wrong. He is the architect of every living creature on earth and in heaven, he is the creator of every thought, feeling, desire and passion that has ever been and is and will be and Jesus is superior in every way to the pleasures of this world. If we sin, his grace is sufficient in his forgiveness; our bondage is no match for his power; and his rewards for faithfulness are superior to the rewards of immorality. Many who say they love Jesus and desire freedom from their sin lack confidence in this, believing that their sin is greater than God's grace and they remain in shame and resign themselves to compromises that dull their spirit and actually grant permission for demons to further oppress them in their relationships with God, their own hearts and their loved ones.

I thought that the deepest longings of my heart could only be satisfied by finding the right person to love, one that would reciprocate and give an equal measure of love in return. What I discovered was the revelation that Jesus was the only one qualified, and that the decades of dissatisfaction and longing and misery and failed relationships were a result of trying to find a fallible man to fill that gap. Jesus is fully God and fully man, he is the only man who was and is and will always be perfect; his love is superior to ALL other love, his love will never fail or let down or turn away or betray or abuse or lie or deceive. And when your heart is set on that truth, only then are you ready for the right relationship with someone whose heart is also set on that truth. When the concept and knowledge of that hit me like a freight train, I knew that every obsession I had before then could never sustain me, and it enabled me to endure and persevere in my desire to seek out God. And the non-love that sounded like love and looked like love and felt like love? It still had its grip on me so tight; despite all my revelation, despite knowing he didn't want me the way I wanted him and despite the knowledge of the truth that now our paths, which had once ran perfectly parallel to one another, were now turning in opposite directions.... I still wanted him and wanted to love him. For me there was no undoing what had been done, no unfeeling what had been felt - I couldn't cut out certain experiences with this person. I could either continue to be obsessed with someone who didn't want me or I could be obsessed with the only man who could ever truly love me, Jesus, my magnificent obsession.

I'm only at the beginning of my understanding, but as I spend more time seeking Jesus, he reveals more of himself and his truth to me. It has made me confront many things in my life that are difficult to confront. It has made me give up things I never thought I would want to or be able to. It has brought me face to face with all the things in my life that I have put before him, but the more I choose him, the closer I feel to him, the more peace and love that comes into my heart and the more revelation I receive regarding the rewards he has for me in this life and the next.

As you finish reading this, know and believe that I am no different than you. I have lived and loved, clamored and desired; I have sought the riches and pleasures and accolades of this world and I have sought out knowledge in this world and in my heart. I have suffered, been lonely, neglected, abused, underestimated, under-appreciated and taken advantage of. I have sought the answers to the longings of my soul through love, through position and status, through intelligence and creativity, and through self-realization; each coming up short in its fulfillment outside of the love of Jesus and the revelation of how much he desires me. I don't care if you think I'm crazy or a Jesus freak; my only hope in having the courage to reveal myself in this way is that it may encourage you to seek out the truth for yourself.

Why create a blog?

I decided to start this blog as kind of a spiritual journal to keep track of my life's journey, and to openly discuss the things of my heart. I believe that by being open and transparent about who I am, what I believe, what my struggles and passions are, and how I am changing and growing as a person will help to encourage others to do the same.

We are all imperfect beings, some striving for perfection more than others, but we all have a longing to be loved, to be understood, to be accepted. I want to share the experiences of my life openly and honestly in the hopes that not only will others be encouraged to do the same, but also in the hopes that the most difficult and trying times of my life and the lessons learned from those may help others to avoid similar pain.

So I invite you, whether I know you or not, to participate in this discussion to bring about revelation in our lives. :-)