The Beginning

I, like so many others, have spent most of my adult life trying to figure out who I am, what I want out of life; to find happiness and a sense of purpose, and to understand and get over the pain of my past that has so often defined who I am as a person. And, like many others of my generation, I grew up without my dad in my life, which had significant affects on my feelings of self-worth and my perception of my own "lovability" as a person and my ability to love others. So in my own self-perceived inadequacy, I drove myself to achieve perfection in all that I did in the hopes it would make me worthy of love. And in my complete lack of the knowledge of the value of who I was, I sought out attention and affection from anyone without discernment.

My relationships were inadequate and unfulfilling because I held no criteria for their basis except love. If someone said they loved me I believed them, and I believed that love was strong enough to overcome any obstacle or disagreement. And because of my need to receive love, I would whole-heartedly accept it from whomever offered it (taking the basic laws of attraction and commonality in mind). But aside from the "love" feeling, there was no common path or objective in our lives; at first, these relationships lacked enough discernible similarities in our aptitude, motivations, ideas, morals and every other facet of compatibility to provide a solid foundation for long term success. I did learn and grow from my mistakes from relationship to relationship and did eventually employ some discernment in my choices, but that feeling of wanting deep love and not having it, that deep whisper in the darkest places of my heart that said I wasn't worthy of love would work against my sensibilities and cause me to make rushed decisions in this area of my life. And then my guilt at having made bad choices would keep me in those toxic relationships much longer than I should have stayed.

The frustration of it all was paralyzing. I had learned from my mistakes, I had revised my thought processes and fine-tuned my discernment (as much as my experiences had led me to) but I was still finding myself trapped in the same patterns of behavior. I was desperate to break the cycle, to solve the puzzle. So in the acknowledgement that I was broken, that something in me was broken that kept me from being able to choose wisely who to love and how to love, I decided not to. I decided to try to separate my heart from the rest of me and to pursue physical pleasure instead. Everyone else was doing it; it seemed to be the solution for so many single people I came across. So after spending the last 15 years of my life in 2 major relationships, I decided not to pursue one intentionally.

I set out to seek relationships that were primarily physical in nature and were superficial at best. And the more I pursued physical satisfaction, the more my appetite grew. But after each instance, I would feel this bottomless void of emotion, this huge emptiness engulf me. It made me so lonely and empty; any satisfaction I got during the moment was dwarfed by the chasm of nothingness that gripped my heart afterwards. I felt starved for love and paralyzed by the need to satiate my hunger, even for a moment. I knew I had to stop, that I couldn't fix what was broken this way. So I did. I had focused my mind on a singular purpose - to experience joy in my life everyday and to seek out peace in my heart and my mind, but now the approach I had taken wasn't working and I had to try something else.

I knew I needed to be alone. I knew it wasn't good or healthy to need someone in my life to feel whole..... but there's a huge gap between knowing and doing. It was hard. I cried a lot. But the lower I got, the more I searched out my soul for answers to my questions. I wanted to love and respect myself, but didn't know how. No one had taught me. I had no discernible examples in my life with which to reference. So I dug deep to expose the skeletons in me, I searched for which experiences had led me to which beliefs and behaviors so that I could reexamine them one by one to flush out the ones based in untruth. I confronted lies that were so deeply-rooted in my psyche that they were woven into the very fabric of my being. I began an autopsy of my heart, my mind and my soul with the intention of cutting out every last thing that was dead; that extraction continues even today. Slowly I would cut and heal, cut and heal piece by piece, line by line. It was an arduous process. And painful. But as they began to heal one by one I began to see remnants of light take its place. I had hope for significant, ground-breaking change in my life for the better.

I met someone who was at the same place I was, someone who, for the first time in my life, had the ability to challenge me in every way. It was a glorious distraction from the pain and loneliness I still felt on occasion. It became a purpose that I could immerse myself in, a collaboration of friendship, creativity and intimacy. But more than that, the level of compatibility and equality set new standards of discernment and quality, and would change me forever. The rules were set and we both agreed; we would pursue all of these things together without the entanglements of a relationship. I thought that I could get all of the things that sound like love and look like love and feel like love, without the love. And for a long while, I did. But the tricky thing about engaging in activities that sound like love and look like love and feel like love is that eventually your heart becomes confused and stops pretending and starts believing. At least it did for me.

I had set all these new rules and standards for myself that I never enforced; I told myself he was the exception to the rules, that it was just temporary until the real thing came along. But the only problem was is that I wasn't his exception to his rules. And this beautiful arrangement had become a train wreck in my heart. I had come so far. I had healed so much from my past, much of it I had shared with this person. He was my prize, my reward. I couldn't reconcile the idea that we were so compatible and that our paths would cross but that we were not meant for one another. He never misled me, but I was so convinced he was the one that nothing, not even him, could convince me otherwise. But what I was about to encounter would change everything.

But amidst all these changes, something else was stewing inside of me. I thought that the deepest longings of my heart could only be satisfied by finding the right person to love, one that would reciprocate and give an equal measure of love in return. So in my mind, it only made sense to make the pursuit of this my obsession. Come to find out that that statement is true and it's not true. All of the reflection and purging and healing I had done over the past year had prepped my heart for an encounter with Jesus.

OK, don't tune out. I can see the eyes rolling right now. I know your eyes are rolling because MY eyes were rolling. When a new business client had walked into my office talking Jesus this and Jesus that, my eyes were rolling. When he said "I'm really going to be praying for you because I think God is going to move in your life in a big way very soon", my eyes were rolling. So, just so we are clear, there is no reaction you are having now at my words that I haven't already had at hearing the word Jesus from someone else. And I know now that anyone who is not pursuing the knowledge of Jesus in their heart to their fullest has one of two responses when anyone says his name; to be defensive or to be offended. I was a little of both.

I grew up in the church, I was saved as a young girl and baptized. I loved Jesus and understood and agreed with the basics of Christianity. I had even felt the holy spirit move in my heart in my younger years, but as I moved into adulthood I allowed my prejudices and negative experiences in the church as well as the American standard version of theology put a permanent bad taste in my mouth for religion. Religion was evil; I was a spiritual person. I loved God. I prayed to God. I didn't need to go to church and the bible was boring and seemed to conflict itself. So when that client said that to me in my office, I thought to myself, man this guy is some Jesus freak.

I dismissed his words. But within 30 days of meeting him, God reached into my heart and "zap!" he resuscitated my heart, and it was as if I had been brought back to life. For the first time in my life, I encountered people who had nothing to do with religion but had everything to do with seeking the understanding of Jesus in their lives. And one by one, all the idiosyncrasies I had about religion and all the excuses I had used not to go to church were chipped away, and I began to get a revelation of God like none I had ever had before.

At first it was "those people" and then there was me. I saw myself as separate from them because they were pursuing a relationship with Christ for.... however long, and I had just started. But the truth was, I was no different from them. I was no different from the preacher or the deacons or even the Pope; even though I had just had a revelation of the Lord Jesus Christ and my heart was turning toward him, in his eyes, I was exactly the same. He loved me just the same. He wanted me just the same. He died for me that I would choose him just the same. That initial guilt was the first wave of many lies the Father of Lies would throw at me to convince me that I am not worthy, that I don't belong, that I will never belong. More lies began peeling away - like the "religion is just a bunch of do's and don'ts to follow" lie and "a Christian's life is boring and stale and void of true satisfaction". Then bigger lies exposed themselves; "I need this and that [insert something here] to be happy - money, education, adulation, a better job, more stuff, the newest technology, lust, power, sex - you name it, I need it! because the television tells me so..." Wow.

The truth is, you have to seek God to find him. You seek him out by talking to him [praying], by listening for his answers [reading the bible] and by fellowshipping with others who are seeking Jesus [going to church]. But if you have ever felt any of those feelings about God or religion that I mentioned above, I challenge you to find out for yourself. Talk to God [it will be awkward at first, you may feel stupid]. Read his word [it will most likely be boring and you may not understand anything you read]. Find others who are seeking God who can encourage you [they are no different than you, and if they put on that they are, then they aren't really seeking God they are pretending to seek God, so keep looking].

I want to challenge everything you think you know about your world, your purpose, your priorities. Everyone is searching for something; everyone has this primordial longing inside that drives them forward toward something. I am telling you beloved that we were created that way on purpose, and that the drive/need/hunger within you will never be satisfied by anything short of dwelling in eternity with your creator. I dare you to prove me wrong. He is the architect of every living creature on earth and in heaven, he is the creator of every thought, feeling, desire and passion that has ever been and is and will be and Jesus is superior in every way to the pleasures of this world. If we sin, his grace is sufficient in his forgiveness; our bondage is no match for his power; and his rewards for faithfulness are superior to the rewards of immorality. Many who say they love Jesus and desire freedom from their sin lack confidence in this, believing that their sin is greater than God's grace and they remain in shame and resign themselves to compromises that dull their spirit and actually grant permission for demons to further oppress them in their relationships with God, their own hearts and their loved ones.

I thought that the deepest longings of my heart could only be satisfied by finding the right person to love, one that would reciprocate and give an equal measure of love in return. What I discovered was the revelation that Jesus was the only one qualified, and that the decades of dissatisfaction and longing and misery and failed relationships were a result of trying to find a fallible man to fill that gap. Jesus is fully God and fully man, he is the only man who was and is and will always be perfect; his love is superior to ALL other love, his love will never fail or let down or turn away or betray or abuse or lie or deceive. And when your heart is set on that truth, only then are you ready for the right relationship with someone whose heart is also set on that truth. When the concept and knowledge of that hit me like a freight train, I knew that every obsession I had before then could never sustain me, and it enabled me to endure and persevere in my desire to seek out God. And the non-love that sounded like love and looked like love and felt like love? It still had its grip on me so tight; despite all my revelation, despite knowing he didn't want me the way I wanted him and despite the knowledge of the truth that now our paths, which had once ran perfectly parallel to one another, were now turning in opposite directions.... I still wanted him and wanted to love him. For me there was no undoing what had been done, no unfeeling what had been felt - I couldn't cut out certain experiences with this person. I could either continue to be obsessed with someone who didn't want me or I could be obsessed with the only man who could ever truly love me, Jesus, my magnificent obsession.

I'm only at the beginning of my understanding, but as I spend more time seeking Jesus, he reveals more of himself and his truth to me. It has made me confront many things in my life that are difficult to confront. It has made me give up things I never thought I would want to or be able to. It has brought me face to face with all the things in my life that I have put before him, but the more I choose him, the closer I feel to him, the more peace and love that comes into my heart and the more revelation I receive regarding the rewards he has for me in this life and the next.

As you finish reading this, know and believe that I am no different than you. I have lived and loved, clamored and desired; I have sought the riches and pleasures and accolades of this world and I have sought out knowledge in this world and in my heart. I have suffered, been lonely, neglected, abused, underestimated, under-appreciated and taken advantage of. I have sought the answers to the longings of my soul through love, through position and status, through intelligence and creativity, and through self-realization; each coming up short in its fulfillment outside of the love of Jesus and the revelation of how much he desires me. I don't care if you think I'm crazy or a Jesus freak; my only hope in having the courage to reveal myself in this way is that it may encourage you to seek out the truth for yourself.