Dreams and Visions

I have been listening to a preacher named Mike Bickle lately who is associated with IHOP.org. And he has this sermon on dreams and visions, about how God often speaks to us and relays direction to us through them, and how often times we dismiss them as pizza dreams. I've set my heart on serving God I really feel like that he has important work for me. So, I've been praying when I go to sleep and when I wake up that if God is revealing anything to me in my dreams and visions, to please make sure I don't miss it that it really strikes me.

And low and behold, last night I had a dream. There were all these men around me. I don't remember what I was doing, but I knew there were just normal things going on - it was just day to day living in this dream. Keanu Reeves was there but he was a regular guy (not sure what that's all about, lol) but there was also this guy named Jamie that I met when I was first single in TC and I really liked him and wanted to get to know him, but for whatever reason, he kept me at bay. It may be important to know that we met online and had talked on the phone, exchanged pictures and we were both creative, and he expressed an attraction and interest in me, but I think my overt neediness at the time kept him from meeting me in person. All of which are embarrassing things to admit, but it may be important to interpreting the dream.

So first it was Keanu; we were interacting like normal people in normal lives, and I felt this overwhelming desire to pursue him. So that desire to pursue a relationship with him manifested itself into a chase in the dream. It fit well with whatever activities we were doing in the dream, but the bottom line was I was chasing him and putting all my attention into getting HIS attention. Then the same thing with this Jamie guy, same scenario. And at some point my conscious mind stepped in and I actually woke myself from the dream because I saw what it was that I was doing, and I forced myself to stop chasing them in the dream, and went back to sleep.

A side note outside of the dream, it's important to acknowledge that I recently ended a friendship with a man that I had been pursuing in this unhealthy way in real life. This person at the time was the most important thing in my life, I valued our friendship above all others, which was part of the problem. In the midst of the major personal changes I was making, I couldn't just stop everything, rewind, and apply a whole new set of rules and feelings and boundaries to our relationship, because my feelings for him were getting in the way of me finishing that work. So I had to sever that connection completely or that would always be the weak link that kept me tied to that obsessive behavior. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I've been struggling with that decision ever since.

I'm sure I don't understand the full interpretation of the dream, but I know that part of its purpose was to acknowledge that I have been chasing men my whole life and to confront the reality of how spending and how unhealthy that mindset is. I got a very calming sensation in the dream after I had forced it to change directions by waking up briefly. The other purpose was, I believe, kind of a heavenly reassurance that I finally have it right, that my decision to stop pursuing and seeking the affection and adoration of men, and the effort I have put into changing that in me is absolutely right and necessary.

I have confronted these issues in my mind many times over the past 3 years; known that my approach to relationships was addictive and destructive, but only over the past year or so have I set my mind to change it; I mean really dissect it to identify the deep-rooted lies that have been fueling these behaviors. It's been a long, hard road to get from there to here. So many moments of insecurity and doubt, so many tears, so much loneliness - but oh my God - so worth it. I woke up from the dream elated, I was actually smiling from ear to ear when I sat up in my bed and the sun was shining into my window and I felt so happy in the knowledge that I am right where I am supposed to me. That my mind, my heart and my spirit are so much healthier now, and clear and vibrant. I don't think I've ever experienced anything like it from a dream. It was amazing.

I know this dream isn't some heavy, prophetic dream with life-threatening importance, but it affected me as if it was. Because any woman who has ever struggled with the things I have - with feelings of being unlovable, with the need to seek out love at any cost, with addictive and depressive personalities that they want to control but can't seem to - this dream to me was as if I was standing on the rooftop of the tallest building in the biggest city and shouting, "I'm free!! I'm free!!" And I was. And I finally am. Praise God.