Parenting

Most often I am a confident, self-reliant, self-assured single parent. I have many friends, including Christian men from church who often serve my children well; but every now and then I am humbled with the realization that it's hard being a single mom and that I'm not always enough for them. Tonight would be one of those moments of realization.

Having recently overcome a life-long struggle with "needing" to be in a relationship, I am now faced with the conundrum of secretly longing for the kind of support for myself and guidance for my boys that can only come from married life. For the first time in my life, I need no man in order to feel fulfilled, aside from Christ. (And I say that boastfully, after 30 years of pure idiocy in the matter!) But in those rare moments of frailty and inadequacy I painfully acknowledge that I need help. I no longer crave for companionship to fill some emptiness that exists from within, but rather crave for the security of backup, the assurance of Godly leadership for my boys, and even down to the mundane man-work that I rarely am just unable to accomplish on my own.

I am prideful. It's hard for me to reach out to others and ask for help. And that makes those rare moments of legitimate need so unbearable. And as gracious and well-intended as those are who do serve in some capacity, I am again forced to face the reality that sometimes it really falls short of what I am really needing.

But in my hurt pride, fighting through my tears, I must ask myself if I trust my God to provide everything I need. And in that I find the grace to ask for forgiveness for my obstinacy and the courage to humble myself to ask Him to provide (as opposed to not asking but expecting).

Lord, I pray with confidence and expectation that you will provide for my every need, and pray for the conviction of my heart in that confidence. I pray that you equip me for every important task you have set before me and pray for realization and grace when I fall short of that. I pray that you use these moments to humble me to seek your help always instead of my natural tendency to take it all on and refuse to ask for help. But most of all, I pray that whatever lie ahead, you help me to be content in every circumstance, even the ones that expose my weakness.